(My blog today may not seem very encouraging. It’s my attempt to be known and my reaching out to others who might be in the same place as me. You are not alone!!)
Have you ever felt like nobody? Invisible? Unseen? Unknown?
Have you ever felt like the world is moving forward without you? Without your gift to it? Without your impact on it?
This is not a self-pity rant it’s a question to find out if I’m the only one? If there are others like me out there? Others that feel impacted by something that happened or is happening in your life that you’re finding it difficult to recover from.
Whether it’s a relationship break up or dealing with chronic illness (that’s mine) a failure in your life or your job, loss of a child, spouse or someone very dear. That no matter how hard you pray and move, it seems you just can’t move very far forward.
Is that you? Does this describe your life? It does describe mine at times. Especially today. I’m just feeling it very intensely today. Yes, I use the word “feeling” a lot because I do feel things very deeply. And although that might be a positive, at times it feels very negative to me and here’s why.
I’m a very intuitive person. Feeling things very deeply. Sensing things in other people, even in the atmosphere at times. I’m learning that there’s an actual term for this called “highly sensitive”. I didn’t know that it was an actual thing.
All I’ve ever known is that I can taste things in food that other people can’t taste. I have very sensitive hearing. Like every sense in my body is heightened constantly. I can smell things that other people can’t smell and it makes me an outcast sometimes in my own home.
It makes me weird. It makes me someone that people don’t want to be around. I try to explain it and get these looks from people like it’s all in my head and something’s wrong with me. And when I try to explain myself, I end up over-explaining trying to convince people that these sensors that I experience are real and genuine.
So perhaps today the highly sensitive thing’s in operation over the season of my life where I’m struggling with my body. It’s hard not to talk about because it’s consuming every moment of my day and impacts every plan and move I make. Good days, productive days, then massive setbacks that bring discouragement and, at times, feelings of hopelessness.
Now, I know what some people will say because I’m a Christian that I just need to believe God. And I believe God! Everyday! I believe God to get out of bed. I believe God to get in the shower. I believe God to eat. I believe God to get in my car and drive. The simple things that most people take for granted I have to trust God for every day.
So any thoughts from anyone that I need to trust God. You’re too late. I already do, perhaps even more then some people have to. And maybe that’s the point. God put the children of Israel out in the wilderness to test them so that they would know that they don’t live by bread alone but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God. Maybe that’s my season right now, I don’t know.
But I know it feels very lonely. Very outside-ish. Even In my own soul. The days of feeling sorry for myself are long gone because they aren’t productive. But I do still feel. I do still wonder what in the world is going on. I cry a lot. A lot! And mostly because it feels like such a lonely place to be here.
I feel so bad for those closest to me because they can’t enter into this place with me. I can’t make anyone understand because you really can’t unless you are living out the same pain. I do know they love me and are doing all they can to be a support.
And I don’t blame them and I’m not angry at them. I just feel so outside them and their experience in life because I feel like they’re experiencing life without me. The real me. The healed me. The vibrant and healthy me. The joyful me. That the only experience they have of me is a dark, ill place. And I hate how that feels in my soul.
I guess that’s why, today, I feel like nobody and wanted to say to all the other nobody’s out there. I feel you. I see you. And the Father does too.
Let Christ be glorified in all,