How do you know you’re hiding? Oh, you know. There’s an ache in your soul like an outsider. Like you don’t belong. You feel like you have one of those “kick me” signs on your back and like you could never fit in. You have a deep hunger to belong and experience intimacy with others and at the same time, you sabotage your opportunities for it. It’s a self-made prison.
The feeling is “less than” or “other than” and more often than not, is a state of being even more than an isolated feeling. It’s a place you live, minimal and inferior and even when you get invited into the lives of others, you don’t feel worthy or deserving so you decline and stay hidden or make up excuses. Yes, hiding requires LOTS of excuses.
Disclaimer: This devotional is not a substitute or replacement for regular therapy or mental health. If it causes flashbacks or distress, see a mental health professional right away. I am not licensed to counsel or give therapy of any kind nor is this devotional an attempt to do so. The contents and suggestions in this devotional are ones of personal experience of my own and are not meant to be professional advice or therapy.
2 Corinthians 10:2 NKJV (emphasis mine)
For we dare not class ourselves or compare ourselves with those who commend themselves. But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.
This journal entry is found in my blogpost called COME OUT, COME OUT WHOEVER YOU ARE!
I remember my feelings of inferiority at a women’s conference I was invited to. I was overseeing and participating in a night of worship with our team. I was feeling very vulnerable because in my prep time of prayer weeks before, I felt the Lord telling me that He was going to give me spontaneous songs the “night of” that would be my original song line up. I had prepared a line up for our team, but when it came time for me to prep my original songs to share, I drew a blank.
I would practice all the songs I had in my catalog and NONE were resonating w/ my heart. Was I being lazy? I couldn’t go without a line-up!! I prayed and prayed for weeks and still was not getting any direction other than, “I’ll give you the songs there!” I was not comfortable with that, but over and over, I knew it was God speaking to my heart. So after weeks of struggle, I surrendered and began to prepare with this in mind.
Needless to say, my flesh was terrified, but I knew in my spirit that the Lord would not forsake or embarrass me. And He was true to His Word. The night of worship was amazing and when it came time to share, the songs just poured out at that moment. It was powerful and relieving! One of our team, who was not participating on the platform but in the congregation said it was the most powerful time of ministry she had ever witnessed me having in all the years she had known me. I agreed. I knew what I was capable of in myself, but what came forth that night was not “in myself”.
The day before the last day of the conference, I felt an overwhelming sense of inferiority. Even with all the Lord had done, I was feeling separated from others because of very deep feelings of inferiority and “less than”. It came out of the blue but was very powerful. It arose as I heard a speaker presenting and began comparing myself and what I had to offer the women with what she was sharing. I dismissed it and tried to deny what my heart was feeling the rest of the day. The last day of the conference was a time of communion and intimate worship. We were encouraged during that time to pray and write in our journals. I found a corner to commune with God and take communion. As the music played, a tremendous sense of God’s Presence was felt within me and I began to write what I was hearing Him say.
I began by writing that God is healing an inferior mindset in me. My feeling of inferiority is being healed TODAY!! And that journal entry above is what he spoke to me. It was one of the most powerful things that God has ever spoke to my heart and I think that because it was so personal. He had located me and that communicated that he “saw” me and validated who I was to Him. Even as I was writing what I was hearing in my heart, I could sense His pleasure over the creation that was ME!
Many people may feel that innately, but I was not one of them. I had no reference point for someone finding pleasure in me! It was quite painful up to that point.
The amazing thing about freedom is that it’s so powerful, that when you step into it, it’s like no other experience and I knew that day that I had stepped into a place of freedom that would change the trajectory of my life. When God, Himself validates you, there is no need to look to anything or anyone else to obtain it!
To step into freedom this week, that’s what we want to do. Look to God. This is your action step, LOOK TO GOD! He will use anything and anyone to bring us to a place of wholeness. Although He needs no assistance, He knows what we need and will use people and experiences to help us along. He’s so wonderful that way. The Holy Spirit said in Colossians 3:1 “If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. 2 Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. 3 For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.”
Our downfall is the fact that we’re not looking in the right place. Our gaze should be fixed on Christ and His beauty and glory. As we behold Him, we see different and we see ourselves differently. Our lives and all our past has been hidden in Christ and that is the truth of who and where we are. Hidden in Christ, not hiding from the world. There is a difference. Jesus was hidden in the Father and therefore He gave no thought to how He appeared in the world, as we so often do. He just lived and moved and had His being in the Father and that was “good enough”, not “less than”. He never allowed the opinions of men to sway his standing in the Father and THAT was His power and effectiveness. And so it shall be ours!
Acts 17: 26-29 NKJV (emphasis mine)
26 And He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings, 27 so that they should seek the Lord, in the hope that they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; 28 for in Him we live and move and have our being, as also some of your own poets have said, ‘For we are also His offspring.’
© Crisie Hutchings/ GrannyRocksMusic/ THE WORSHIP LIFE/ Beautiful You Project
Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.